A tribute to all those, all around the world,
making tough yet brave decisions leaving behind their homes only to build
another one...
18th Sept 2016.
Washington D.C.
18th Sept 2016.
Washington D.C.
A year ago today , I defended my PhD.
It wasn't easy. I was in a new country, a non
English speaking country. I remember the first few days upon reaching, I was so
naive and so excited. All I had known about Paris till then was the romantic
Eiffel tower and the historic streets of Paris, the ever beautiful image that
media always portrayed.
Paris was vastly different, in far so many
ways than I could describe here. It was as if I was redefining myself and all
that I had learnt the 20 odd years throughout my life were being slowly
replaced or altered- and at most times, I did not even realize it.
This was probably the biggest challenge I had
faced and a real one at that. I landed in a country barely knowing anyone,
barely knowing the language and barely knowing what it held for me and yet I
knew for the first time, I had a one- way ticket and I did not know when I
would go back.
I remember not having a friend or a family
beside. I remember my fears trying to break in and mingle.I recall the days I
spoke so little or none at all. I remember seeing an Indian guy at my residence
one day, whom I approached so gladly to speak to, only to realize he didn't
speak a word of english nor tamil even though his second name was literally the
word "Tamil". I recall being ill not being able to go to an English
doctor, lying in bed in my little studio, alone, without a voice for a week,
realizing how I couldn't run to my mother or my friends. I remember going to a
bakery not knowing how to order for a bread I wanted and walked off not wanting
to hold the queue. I remember drawing out experiments so people I worked with
could understand what I meant, I remember mastering google translate as all the
emails came only in French, yet only to understand less than half of it. I
remember I missed the registration for the french language classes because even
those emails were in french. I remember how French cuisine smelled so delicious
and yet since i didn't eat meat, there were mostly only boiled vegetables and
French fries that often ended up on my plate.
I recall how I lost track of my friends back
home, how their lives carried on and how I could never fit in right back. i
remember the nights I spent on Facebook looking through the photos my family or
friends had uploaded and wishing I was a part of all that. I remember loved
ones falling seriously ill and me not being able to be there and feeling
helpless. I remember the loss of a loved one and I remember helping others cope
with it. I remember how my mom could never cook my favorite dishes and how my
family did not enjoy them till I was back a week each year. I recall my first
lone birthday and I also remember handling and going through all sorts of
cultural shocks. I remember speaking home once a week because the timings were
always so bad and calls back home were expensive. I remember speaking properly
(or tamil, my mother tongue) that once a week as well. (There was no whatsapp
or at least, It wasn't at all popular during that time).
I remember a lot more... I remember the
coldness of Paris, the cold nights I walked alone facing my fears, facing a
different reality and pursuing my dreams...
Gradually of course, the winter got better and
the coldness gradually subsided. Spring and summer did come. I wondered if it
was because I had become accustomed to all this coldness but I was sure I felt
so warm inside. I formed a new found family, friends I had never thought I
would make. A support that led me defend my PhD, people whom I would forever be
grateful for.
Some days I would lose hope but Paris always
taught me life was worth it and that my dreams were worth the fight. I learnt
the way things worked. My system got rewired. I went for three evening French
classes apart from work. I broke my fears, I would go to a boulangerie to order
my favorite baguette, I could watch a French movie without subtitles, I tried
to speak french and I hung out with french mates (who later grew to become
family). I grew to realize I cannot be at two places at once and grew to accept
growing apart as growing up too. I learnt that the place I left wasn't the same
place I had in mind whenever I went back, places I had frequented disappeared,
new buildings appeared, people had also matured and changed just like the
places did. It felt strange. However, I soon realized I wasn't the same person
who left too. I had changed just like them and I realized change wasn't a bad
thing. I was finally merging in and moulding a life in Paris: One that later
got filled with beautiful friends, rich memories, new hopes and aspirations and
a new found strength.
And at the end of these extremely special four
years, I defended my PhD. I got certified in French. I wrote my first three
pages of my thesis dedication part in English, Tamil and French, respectively.
I could converse my delight in French and feel appalled about the affinity I
felt to it. The doctorate was a lot more than a dissertation. It was symbolic
to my beautiful years of warm winters and cold summers.
Now, I have left that beautiful nest, the
little home i built, that has transformed me so much and will forever be a part
of me. I have moved around so much in my life and Paris will always be a part
of me just like, or even a little more than, the other lands I belong to and am
proud and grateful for.
I miss you Paris and I thank you for my
doctorate, not just in science, not just from Pasteur.
And as for you, USA, I am eagerly waiting for
your warmer days...
P.S I want to take this opportunity to thank
everyone who has helped me through this. There are far too many of you to tag
but each one who told me I could make it and everyone who spent even a minute
chatting with me one of those days.. and to my dear family and friends. Some of
you weren't close but thanks for your little smile, note of support or just a
little hi even on Facebook - it probably meant a lot more to me... Thank you.
I love you all and I am so thankful for having
all of you.Thank you for believing in me. I hope I did all of you proud.
This is for all of you and to all those people
who travel away from family, friends and everything they knew... only to slowly
build a new little home away from home.
(If you guys know someone who has made such
moves, especially alone, please show them your support, just a little text
itself means so much. You have no idea how much you guys meant to me! And along
the same lines, don't forget to cherish the moments you have at home, with your
family and friends. You are lucky in different ways...)
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| Paris, Je t'aime. |
